there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
