how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
