My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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