remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
