the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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