his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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