Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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