When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
