So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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