I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
