Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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