I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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