Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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