WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
