i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"