he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.