you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
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seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
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I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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