Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.