I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
