i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
