Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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