Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
