I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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