Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
