Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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