My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
