Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
