i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
