Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
