I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My feet surprised me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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