how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
