Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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