why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Randomize
