What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
