were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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