mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
