I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
