I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
