Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
