the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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