Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
