I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
