what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
