this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
