I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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