Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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