I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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