You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
