dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
