Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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