i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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