dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
