At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
