I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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