Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
