How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
