How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
