even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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