Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
