Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
