Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
