Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
